Exactly where in Kristen Stewart's name does it say Robert Pattinson

I've saved this for the eve of the BAFTAs in hopes that our positive vibes will negate all the 'people' with ugly souls. I know our vibes will because we are better than they are because Kristen is better than we are. You guys follow the logic, right? Our fearless KStew has been nominated for a BAFTA, which to a lot of you means NOTHING but to half of you means something. It’s the British equivalent to our Oscars. That’s a big deal. Now, KStew is not up for a normal BAFTA because let’s face it we haven’t gotten anything that is necessarily Oscar worthy yet. BUT. It is entitled the Orange Rising Star Award and it, "recognizes five international actors and actresses who have demonstrated exceptional talent and have begun to capture the imagination of the public as a star in the making." Know how we know it’s not a normal award? Because people like us, but really only you lucky bitches in the UK, got to vote as to whom the winner would be.

Get it? Good.

She’s up against the likes of some talented people, two of which are Jesse Eisenberg [who you all saw in Adventureland] and Carrie Mulligan [who was unbelievable in An Education]. Kristen Stewart has said so herself that she doesn’t deserve the award. That’s not my business. Maybe she doesn’t. I'm personally biased because I think she's fucking awesome (objectively biased lens, yet again). She’s said she wants Tahar to win. Well, props to her that she has a level head on her shoulders and can be objective. The fact of the matter is that she has a HUGE following and polls were open. I’m guessing she’s going to win. Good for her, she’s fucking awesome and has a gnarly year ahead of her... she will RISE to the occasion. (Cheesy joke? Sorry. It's late.)

Noticeably missing from that list? ROBERT PATTINSON. [Yeah, I said his name so that means you KNOW I’m angry.] Why? Because... well... we haven't yet seen his acting chops. All he has shown is that his face brings screams and we’re about to find out if it brings money in March with the opening of Remember Me. He seems like a nice guy and a grounded guy. He is kind and generous and yes, fun to look at. His showing up at the BAFTAs could be for any reason your heart wants it to be, but I can assure you that it is NOT to overshadow Kristen Stewart sooo let’s stop making it. Like, seriously. STOP. The kid doesn't deserve that and neither does KStew.

I love you guys because when you see funny quotes you copy and paste them into e-mails for me. Crazies are funny. Crazies are good. It makes us all laugh a little, and we could all use a little laughter from time to time. I'd like to share some with you my friends. Ready? Okay let’s do this.

“Kristen Stewart was only nominated because her boyfriend lives in that country. They want people to watch TV in the hopes that maybe they’ll make out or something. It’s good for ratings because they know she’ll fuck up.”

Um. WHAT?! Did you hit your head before you wrote that? Please. PLEASE. Let’s take this one by one, shall we? Who the fuck cares about Robert Pattinson in reference to an award for which KRISTEN STEWART is nominated? One has nothing to do with the other. Her success is not held contingent upon Robert Pattinson, and I'm certain he doesn't appreciate that being said because regardless that's his friend. She is far more established. They are separate people. She did NOT get nominated because of him and rest assured she was not solely nominated for a BAFTA based on Twilight—she has other stellar movies behind her and ahead of her [hence RISING star?]. "They know she’ll fuck up?" Because she’s humble and has a brain and is a real human not some bubble gum pop princess whose acceptance speech has been memorized since the ninth grade? I want to put this idiot's head in a microwave and hit defrost, and whatever happens after that happens.

“I hope Robert Pattinson is the one to deliver the award to her if she wins it.”

Hm. This one I need to tread a fine line with because I don’t want to offend you guys. Let me put it this way, as far as I can tell the previous year’s winner is the one to deliver it to this year’s winner. It’s cute. A passing on of the award. For the sake of fun—yeah sure, it’d be great to have him give her the award. She’d run up to him and pull him to her, knotting her fingers in his hair, tilting his head to the side and GIVING.IT.TO.HIM in front of the entire world. Got the visual? Good. Wanna throw in a leg hitch? Do it. Chest grabbing? Awesome. Ass groping? Excellent!

But some people? Some people are serious and it’s starting to get insane because it’s diminishing the award. It’s taking away something Kristen has worked her entire life for and it’s not right. When Meryl Streep or Kate Winslet win an Academy Award you don’t spend the entire time before harping on who is going to present the award. Instead you say ‘wow, good for her, I hope she wins.’

Allow me.

WOW. GOOD FOR KRISTEN. I HOPE SHE WINS!

This is the BIGGEST award she has been nominated for and whether or not you, me, or even Kristen herself thinks she deserves it—it’s HUGE. Please stop letting your fantasies of Robert Pattinson infringe on the likes of KStew. They are separate entities. Exactly where in Kristen Stewart's name does it say Robert Pattinson because I cannot for the life of me find it! See why they’re so afraid to walk down the god damn street? If they did people would be expecting him to give her acceptance speech for her tonight for crying out loud. She can handle this. Promise. Let’s tone down the crazy. My idea is we focus on the fact that she may win this award--not who is potentially presenting it. Later in the night, people don't ask the presenter how it felt to present the award--they ask the winner how it felt to win. [Note: I know a lot of you are just having fun with this. I’m talking about those that are NOT kidding. Like the SERIOUS crazies. We get that right? We know I want to watch stageporn too? Ok good. And hey, if the rules change and he does give her the award? Well that would just be jawporn-legs-tastic!]

“There are so many other better actresses and actors that deserve a BAFTA.”

First of all your word placement makes me cringe. And better people? Oh, really? Like who? Sorry Lindsay Lohan isn’t standing up there or some other famewhore but these kids are actually the future of film. Real film. Not Jennifer Aniston 'film'. BAFTA/Oscar worthy films. [Weird, Carrie Mulligan is up for an Oscar. Interesting…] They are the Kate Blanchett's of young hollywood—not the rehab bound kids. They are serious. They are focused. They are low key. And they have these careers ahead of them that will far surpass whatever moron you had in mind. When YOU have worked with the likes of Jodi Foster, Sean Penn, Sharon Stone, Dennis Quade, and Catherine Keener before you can even VOTE then please talk. If you have not, then please shut your mouth.

This faux pre-BAFTA KStew backlash has nothing to do with the fact that Kristen may or may not deserve the award. To the haters it is about Robert Pattinson or the fact that they really just don’t get Kristen Stewart. They don’t get her personality, style, hair, facial expressions, speech—nothing! Guess what? If you don’t get it, you were never meant to.

One: if you're on the 'don't get it' list, that makes you infinitely less cool. Two: just because you don't get her does not make you privy to spread around hate that in any way diminishes this distinguished honor that has been bestowed upon her.

Then there are those that just plane old hate. You know what I’m talking about loyalists, and you know I love me some haterade because you know I love me some rotting souls. “Even if she wins, it’s not a big deal, it’s a popularity contest.” Oh the contraire my air-headed bimbo—it’s a big fucking deal. Do not abate the award because it was voted on, and coincidentally if she does win it means that people LOVE HER, which also means YOU LOSE. Ha. Idiot. I promise you… PROMISE you that if she wins this will be said. To them I shall ask: where’s your fucking award? You don’t have one? There goes your right to speak.

Now what is promising is that she can drink in the UK. Hopefully she gets wasted afterwards and hugs her award. Maybe hugs MFH. Maybe they’ll party together. Maybe THEN you will get your dry hump/ass grab/chest graze/make out sesh. But let’s all put that on the back burner until the award is actually won! This is a big deal. She deserves it. We're all so fucking amped for her. Keep the good vibes flowing my loyalists. Because Kristen Stewart is rightfully nominated for an incredible award and you are not, KStew is waaaaay better than you.